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Lately I have been thinking a lot about my motivation. What motivates me? What gets me going? What keeps me engaged in the quest for justice? Metallica. Metallica motivates me. For my entire teenage life Metallica was often the only thing that kept me going. I was a struggling kid in a pretty violent household who wanted to rebel in all the worst ways so I played it as loud as possible as often as possible to piss of my parents and basically any adult anywhere near me. #quest

I have been reflecting back at where I was at this time last year. My sadness was palpable. I was worried about what would happen under the current administration. It is worse than I thought it would be. In today’s Monday Mayhem, I take a look back at my words. 11/19/2016 I am broken, I am on fire. I am shriveled, I am revolutionary. I am devastated, triggered, charred, broken, silenced, shamed, saddened, heartbroken, shocked, disgusted, scared, horrified, traumatized. I am d

A few months ago I asked four of my dearest friends to, “think of five words that I offer women”. I don’t know why. I think I was feeling particularly insecure about myself and wanted to know that I was still inspiring to other people. I was at a strange point in my life. I had just finished my PhD and was trying to figure out who I am. I am no longer a student, likely I never will be again, which is weird. I no longer have consistent deadlines imposed on me by other people,

A few years ago I lost several dear friends.  Not to death, or illness, or accident. Just…lost them.  I did some things, they did some things, we did some things. And then before I knew it we simply weren’t talking anymore.  Many of them didn’t even tell me to go screw myself.  The whole thing would have been easier if they had. It devastated me.  I cried about it for months.  I wanted to die in agony wishing for closure.  Wishing for anything but how it felt to be alone with

Lately I have been battling with a gift that I was given in my childhood that I would like to call: INSECURITY IT is a gorgeous bombshell of a woman, dressed to the nines wearing the gorgeous 5″ spiked heels I can no longer wear because of a running injury. IT is my good little girl who is about 6 years old with those amazing pigtails and perfectly clean dress who is telling me that if we don’t live up to our professors standards we will fail and then we will be NOTHING…NOTHI

All week I have had this scenario running rampant through my brain: You Can’t Handle the Truth I was angry and allowing one woman to have complete control over my emotions for days and days.  Swirling in the knowledge that I know the truth, I am tired of the lying, and if this battle would just end I could get on with my life. Except I am NOT STUCK. Except my life is MOVING FORWARD. Except my gorgeous brilliant world CANNOT BE SHATTERED. This is THE TRUTH: The man I love lo

I am training for a half marathon that is taking place in 3 days.  This entails a lot of running.  When I say a lot of running it means in the last 3 months I have logged over 170 miles of running.  This is crazy.  I was not a runner.  I used to smoke 2 packs a day.  I only ran from things that scared me. This running has made me happy.  It makes me so happy that I weep with gratitude while I run.  And this Bjork song called Violently Happy rings through my ears EVERY.TIME.I.

I am drowning…I am drowning in: Shame     Guilt     Anger     Fierce HATE     Insecurity     Fear I am trying to pray. I am trying to be more love centered. I am trying to be kind. I am trying not to run away. But… All I want to do is: Scream     Throw     Kick     Beat    Yell     Cry     Lash Out     Breakdown     Sob I am trying to have patience. I am trying to let go. I am trying to stop self sabotaging. I am trying to keep looking at the sky. What is it that I don’

My good girl went on a rampage last night. She was feeling totally out of control and she threw a hissy fit more impressive than a 3 year old hyped up on sugar and soda pop. This morning my wise woman gently whispered in my ear, “Cry if you must but look outside yourself to seek inspiration and support so you can move on.”  My badass buddy Leanne said, “Stop crying. You are a badass.  Badasses learn and move forward, not wallow in guilt or pity for not being perfect.” These a